How to Heal Your Broken Heart - Psychology Today

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Sooner or later, we all face our dark times. Times when we feel alone, isolated, and lost. Times when we want to hide because our hearts feel so broken.

No matter how we try to avoid it, we all suffer heartbreak. As long as your heart beats, it is only a matter of time before it is wounded.

You may barely notice tiny hurts, such as critical comments, a negative street encounter, or a bad day at work or school. Then there are the bigger hurts, such as being rejected by a lover, betrayed by a friend, or suffering financial hardship. Even if you manage to avoid such hurts, the heartbreak of illness or death eventually comes along and shatters your sense of security. (See "How To Recover When Life Crushes You")

Since heartbreak seems inevitable, is it possible to speed healing?

The Broken Heart

I can recall several times in my life when I felt overwhelmed by emotional pain. I remember seeing a member of my family struggle with a life-threatening illness. I watched helplessly as she wasted away, unresponsive to every intervention. I searched for answers, prayed, and consulted professionals–nothing worked.

Heartbreak reminds us that there are limits; not all life’s dilemmas can be solved. (See “Seven Hurts That Never Heal”) Even when the body heals, emotional scars can endure. With each heartbreak, we emerge deeply changed.

When all the interventions failed to save my family member, hopelessness took hold and tortured me with unanswerable questions.

"Why did this happen? How could someone so young suffer so profoundly?"

Many nights, I went up to my roof and cried. I looked up at the stars and argued with the heavens about the unfairness of life. In time, I surrendered to my grief.

Mending Your Broken Heart

After long periods of mourning, if you grieve fully and surrender to your sadness, there comes a wish to recover; times you tell yourself, “I have to move on.”

I’ve provided individual and group psychotherapy for hundreds of heartbroken people for over twenty-five years—individuals who lost spouses to cancer, children to accidents, or suffered profound betrayals or emotional hardships.

While some people remain mired in resentment and isolation, others seem to recover sooner. Here are there qualities I noticed that helped them to heal their broken hearts:

1. Healthy Relationships

The adage, “Happiness shared is doubled, pain shared is halved,” holds. I have noticed in my work that heartbroken people who surround themselves with good friends and a supportive community emerge from emotional pain enriched with a greater capacity for empathy and compassion for others in distress. As a Buddhist peace advocate, Daisaku Ikeda wrote,

There are countless people in the world whose hearts have been wounded in some way. At such times, what gives someone the strength to go on living? It seems to me that is human bonds…There is no happiness as long as we are wrapped up in ourselves.

2. Creative Outlets

Creativity is a soothing balm for the wounded heart. Creative outlets such as music, dance, or poetry tap directly into our subconscious and provide emotional relief when words fail us. Find a way to be creative; write, draw, take photos–anything that focuses your attention outward and provides a distraction from the torment you feel inside. Or use that torment in a creative process. (See “Transform Your Pain Into Something Beautiful.”) If you can’t think of anything, take a class or course in something new and stimulate your creative juices.

3. Altruism

I remember a friend finally receiving a kidney transplant after ten long years of dialysis. The operation was a great success. Having faced death and won, he wondered what he would focus on next. A nurse offered him sage advice. She told him, “Use your pain to inspire others.” It was a moment of such clarity that it took his breath away.

Since then, he has written about his experience, spoken to dozens of patients, and, to this day, is a source of inspiration for many more. In my experience, people who engage in charitable activities, helping others by donating their time and energy, heal their broken hearts quicker and awaken a more profound sense of mission in life. (See “How Altruism Increases Happiness and Empowerment")

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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